fountainhead

There are certain people who, through their actions and mannerisms towards themselves and others when in observable situations, are naturally mysterious. Mysterious in a way that is almost sexy. Seductive. Yet on a completely unsexual level. I love these people. In my life, there are a few names that immediately come to mind when thinking about this esoteric group of people.

I won't list them, nor will I subject them to scrutiny, because I value them as friends and I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable.

I'm a very open person. Perhaps overly at times. I'm sure not every old man I sit next to wants to talk about the happenings of my morning. I believe myself to be relatively difficult to read. At least that's not what I've been told. "Nicco, you're always putting yourself out there. We all know what you're thinking about." (in high school and most of college, according to people who can "read me," all that I was thinking about was girls and or sex... this was not always the case. Only some of the time.) The thing is, I'm really not that easy to read. The few people who have been curious and/or intrigued enough to get to know me on the sub-dermal level were shocked to learn that I am actually multi-dimensional... and not the paper cutout they had first assumed I was.

I wish I had more people in my life who were like this. Who wanted to get to know me on a deeper level. It's comforting to have a conversation with someone you have known only as an acquaintance and discover you have very little in common. It reminds me of the individuality we each possess. At the same time, to talk with someone you hardly know only to discover you are both secretly addicted to classic novels or have both seen It's A Wonderful Life over a hundred times since december of 2006 is comforting as well... because then you have a connection to something outside of yourself.

And to have a connection with another person is to understand the meaning of life.

So many hours of my life have been spent lying on my back on my bedroom floor, looking out my picture window at the trees bending to the wind, while I ponder the most maddening questions of life and existence I can imagine. "Why should I be hypnotized by the promise of a long life." These unreleased lyrics from Dave Matthews Band opened my eyes to the understanding that existence is not guaranteed. Life is not a given. And because of this, there isn't any answer to the question "why." Why are we here? Is it just to procreate? To continue the survival of our species?

No.

We are here because of a chain of evolutionary mistakes, and we will continue to evolve (which means the eventual dissolving of our species) into something else.

What we do while we are here, though, is what matters. "No day but today" is a good quote, because it reminds us of how our future isn't guaranteed, and that we need to make the most of the moment now, because it might be all we have.

If the world ended tomorrow, would you feel your life has meant something?

My answer is yes. I have touched peoples' lives, and others have touched mine. And it is because of these connections with other people that I can say I have lived.

I want to be a teacher. I'll be one within the next 5 years. But what if the world ends tomorrow. I won't ever have the chance to be a teacher. But have I ever educated someone? Yes, I have told countless groups of 30-36 people that the Okapi was only discovered in 1901, and that before that it was believed to be a mythical creature, seen mostly in cave drawings.

Live your life so that you are touching the lives of as many people as possible, and you will discover the meaning of life.


This is why I am so intrigued by persons that have a hardened exterior. A shell. For whatever reason these people choose to create them, these protective outer levels break the chances of making human connections into fractions.

Think of a person you know who is like this. Have you ever seen him or her smile? It's beautiful isn't it? It's almost seductive. I sat there for months, trying to invite this person out with friends, or ask this person about what's been going on, and never got more than a few sentences. I never broke through that exterior. But one day, I said something (of which I cannot remember) that released a smile so hearty and honest that it could only have come from the depths of the soul... and when I saw it, it took my breath away.

A connection. An unforgettable one.

I would be lying if I wrote that after this momentous little event this person and I were the best of friends. No. It was immediately back to the mysterious. Darkened sexyness I could call it.

And I love that. This person has absolutely no idea that my life was touched this way. That this person brought out of me a reaction so honest and pure that I'll never forget it.

This is what life is about.




And this is the kind of catharsis I hope to bring with my writings in this blog. I hope you enjoy it.